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GWAR, Dying Fetus, All That Remains – December 8th 2004 – Ogden Theater, Denver

GGGRAAAAAAAAAAWR!! The mighty hell spawn of Antarctica has done it again! Clearly one of the most entertaining acts around, this macabre death-metal outfit always manages to put on a wonderfully engaging show. The first band, Dying Fetus, was missed altogether, again, because the Ogden in its idiocy takes credit cards, thus creating the kind of long-lasting lines that are really only good for a supermodel’s eyeliner.

Opening band All That Remains started off the night with a set of deeply guttural songs; you know, the kind where none of the words sound like anything but “RA RA RA ROH ROH ROH RUH RUH RUH RRRRRAAAAAA.” You know, the sound of the human throat digesting itself.

What followed was every Army of Darkness fan’s dream show. Almost everything about it was sick and wrong…and really entertaining. There was no shortage of blood, guts and bare ass (and not half bad bare ass, surprisingly enough). The crowd smiled in anticipation in their clean, pristine white t-shirts (myself included, I busted out a brand new one just for the occasion) while surveying the heavy, black tarp-covered walls. Even the speakers were covered with the heavy protective plastic.


I started to wonder if maybe I’d be needing a rain slicker, especially since I was strategically placed in front of the barricade for photo duty. But getting drenched is half of the appeal of a GWAR show. The way I see it, if you go home clean, you didn’t get the whole GWAR experience.

In any case, the lights went down, the fog machine went on and the horrendous quintet piled onstage. Oderus Urungus, golden-throated crooner that he is, launched into new songs from the latest album, War Party, with no hesitation while BalSac the Jaws of Death somehow managed to play rhythm guitar while wearing some crazy hell-goat platform boots without even rolling an ankle. And he has a bear trap for a face. Excellent.

The formula for a GWAR show isn’t too hard to figure out.

1) Start death metal song.
2) Direct slaves to bring out “stage guest” to be slaughtered.
3) Spray blood and guts everywhere.
4) Remove remaining pieces of guest and finish song.
5) Repeat.

Special guest appearances were made by Paris Hilton, John Kerry, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Michael Jackson, Osama bin-Laden, George Bush and Laci Peterson. Needless to say they were all mercilessly dismembered, much to the delight of the audience. Crowd surfing was abundant, and the girl next to me was itching to get splattered…so much so that she asked me, “Are they gonna spray blood over here?!” It doesn’t take long to figure out that if someone comes out onstage with a hose attached to his back, you’re chances of getting doused with a fair amount of Red Lake #40 is highly probable. I guess she didn’t notice.

Before the encore started, we were all waiting around in the dark, only to be surprised by GWAR’s re-entrance without costumes. Everyone was a bit confused; this was the point where they informed the crowd that Dimebag Darrell (of Pantera) had been shot in a club in Columbus, Ohio earlier that evening during a Damageplan show, and finished with an encore of a Pantera cover song, stating “This one’s for Dime!”

I left the show drenched in pink and green dye, thanks to the immaculate penis-shaped goo cannon that left no one un-soaked at the end of the show. My contact lenses were tinted pink when I took them out. My hands and face looked sunburned and my hair oozed pink dye when I washed it. My armpit was stained green. It was nothing short of awesome.


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