Teeth (Mitchell Lichtenstein)
Horror movies scare the shit out of me. That is just how I work. Hell, jumping out from around a corner scares the shit out of me. I am a rather nervous person, and I can really get into stories, thus my inevitable fright watching even the lamest horror films.
I am telling you this because I just watched the worst horror film that has ever been created.
“Teeth” is a combination of the worst writing of a screenplay attempted in this decade, with a premise that I cannot imagine any viewer buying into.
The idea is that Dawn O’Keefe, a Christian high school student, has vaginal dentata, a state of having teeth in her vagina, which bite off the penises of the group of sleaze bags that seem to surround her.
The acting is the worst I have seen in at least two years, unless the Director/Writer Mitchell Lichtenstein planned it that way by saying, “Act like the dumbest people on the face of the planet.”
I actually became embarrassed for the cast while watching this abomination. Everything is over the top, without charm or relevance needed to pull off a film that is completely dead in the water, starting at the opening credits.
I am a little angry that this was even considered viewable and released for audience consumption. It was not even bad enough to be funny like the “Evil Dead” series. It is just simply unwachable in any manor. After viewing the film, the initial response is to pretend that it never happened.
If you are tempted to see this film, go to your bathroom, stick your head in the toilet, flush, and then smash the seat down on your head. This will be more interesting, entertaining and far more frightening that “Teeth” could ever be to any one.
