It’s that time of year again. There’s a chill in the air made cozy by the lights strung through the trees and across buildings. It’s that special time when my vomit takes on a pale yellow, noggy consistency. This time of year brings presents as well as the new crop of season themed albums.
Yeah baby, it’s Christmas time. Thus, I was handed Taste of Christmas, a compilation of various artists as my holiday assignment. Sadly, it’s time for me to cram coal into the stockings of about 18 bands.
I can honestly and without reservation describe Taste of Christmas as having no redeeming qualities. From start to finish this album is appallingly bad. It’s hard to do Christmas songs properly. They are inherently un-cool, so you have to be pretty damn cool and talented to pull it off. None of the bands on this album come even close.
The first track is a cover of John Lennon’s “Happy Christmas (War is Over)” by Street Drum Corps Feat. Bert McCracken. It seems like every year brings us a new cover of this song, and they just need to stop. Seriously, quit it. Unless you are one of the most gifted musicians of your generation, then back off. What do you have to bring to the table? A computer voice that repeats “war is over,” is completely unnecessary. Just stop.
Christmas songs can be cheerful, jolly, and even poignant. They are under no circumstances allowed to be whinny. I would say that at least a third of the songs on this compilation, sound like suburban teenagers complaining about their parents. Songs like “Blue and Cold” by Versus The World and “No Smiles on Christmas” by Bleed The Dream are perfect examples of this. If you are going to go through the trouble of making a Christmas song, then at least try not to sound petulant.
Christmas songs are not allowed to be heavy metal. I’m sorry, but you can’t sit around the fire with your family head banging to metal. Christmas is at its core the antithesis to metal, so if you are a metal band doing Christmas songs, then you are a poser.
This pretty much sums up the types of songs on Taste of Christmas. I don’t care who you are or what your taste in music is, but you are pretty much guaranteed to hate this album. Do not under any circumstances buy it. Go buy a Frank Sinatra Christmas album and enjoy the sounds of the season.
