Kaffeine Buzz
reviews independent and foreign films,
in addition to reporting the latest buzz behind
Colorado's film festivals.
Teeth (Mitchell Lichtenstein)
-By A. Tom Collins
Horror movies scare the shit out of me. That
is just how I work. Hell, jumping out from around
a corner scares the shit out of me. I am a rather
nervous person, and I can really get into stories,
thus my inevitable fright watching even the lamest
horror films.
I am telling you this because I just watched
the worst horror film that has ever been created.
"Teeth" is a combination of the worst
writing of a screenplay attempted in this decade,
with a premise that I cannot imagine any viewer
buying into.
The idea is that Dawn O'Keefe,
a Christian high school student, has vaginal dentata,
a state of having teeth in her vagina, which bite
off the penises of the group of sleaze bags that
seem to surround her.
The acting is the worst I have seen in at least
two years, unless the Director/Writer Mitchell
Lichtenstein planned it that way by saying,
“Act like the dumbest people on the face
of the planet.”
I actually became embarrassed for the cast while
watching this abomination. Everything is over
the top, without charm or relevance needed to
pull off a film that is completely dead in the
water, starting at the opening credits.
I am a little angry that this was even considered
viewable and released for audience consumption.
It was not even bad enough to be funny like the
"Evil Dead" series. It is just simply
unwachable in any manor. After viewing the film,
the initial response is to pretend that it never
happened.
If you are tempted to see this film, go to your
bathroom, stick your head in the toilet, flush,
and then smash the seat down on your head. This
will be more interesting, entertaining and far
more frightening that "Teeth" could
ever be to any one.
